How to Say No Using Can’t and Don’t

I love reading about effective communication methods and enjoyed much of Jonah Berger’s book, Magic Words: What to say to get your way.

Use the word Can’t when you say no to things people want you to do. The word Can’t implies that something is temporary and external. For example, I can’t attend the meeting on Friday, join you for lunch on Monday, or get the deck from marketing any earlier than Wednesday.

Use the word Don’t when you say no to things you do not do or are trying not to do. The word Don’t implies that something is internal or lasting. It’s about your identity. For example, I don’t eat gluten, I don’t ruminate on minor issues, and I don’t hide from my mistakes. Studies found that people were more likely to attain a goal if they responded to requests that went against their goal using the word don’t instead of can’t.

If you are trying to make a change, try framing it using an I Am statement for yourself and an I Don’t statement to respond to others. I am a healthy professional. I don’t work through my scheduled stretching breaks. Yes, this is something I am working on.

Another fun word choice is should vs could. If you ask, “What should we do?”, it implies there is one solution. By asking “What could we do?”, you are suggesting there could be multiple solutions, which is true for a lot of business situations. Using the word Could allows for more creativity and flexibility, which can lead to more options and hopefully, better solutions.

Many of us use the word Should in our self-talk, for example, “I should have…” What outcomes might we achieve if we used Could instead? “I could have…”

Spend the next week paying attention to how the words Can’t, Don’t, Should, and Could are used.